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Friday, November 2, 2012

Guest Op/Ed - Fundamentally Delusional - An opinion on the GOP view of Abortion

Guest Post Op/Ed
From Dances with Devils

**Some Adult Language Included**

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In the interest of full disclosure, let me say for the record that I think all of you Evangelical Christian Woman Haters are mind-numbingly boring. And in my world, that’s a cardinal sin worse than being a delusional freak with a penchant for blowing things up when they can't make everyone else abide by their delusions. But that’s the difference between us; I don’t go around trying to fix you, although I certainly believe you could use a little adjustment here and there.

No, really. You are totally entitled to your opinion that a fertilized egg is exactly the same as a baby. You can feel that way about it all day long. I don't care. At all. I will even respectfully refrain from pointing out that I know several women who have repeatedly given birth to fertilized eggs and have not ONE single baby to show for it among them, because I think that should be perfectly obvious to even a dimwit. And I have never yet laid the murder charge at God’s feet, let alone felt the need to launch a police investigation. Because it’s not murder. Why you feel a need to know every detail of someone else’s reproductive business remains a mystery to me, but there was no murder. Because it’s not a baby.

Now, I understand that you believe that there’s some rule in the bible that says “no abortion”, and just because I can't find anything but a reference to “causing a woman to miscarry” being no big deal doesn't mean that your rule isn't in there somewhere. But I refrain from commenting on all of the other commandments that I know for a fact you don't keep. 

I figure you're far too busy taking someone else’s inventory to want to take time out of that busy schedule to discuss your own, so your secrets are safe with me. Those other commandments are your business, and I guess you'll take that up with God whenever you two are ready to have that discussion. I respect your right to have vocal opinions about other people’s business and privacy about your own. I think it’s arrogant and hypocritical, but that’s a choice and I'm not going to make your choices for you. Because I'm not a complete asshat like you. But I don't see you blowing up any buildings because they are open on the Sabbath. Just sayin’.

Likewise, I don't grill you on how come you are so much in favor of doling out death to people who are actual full-blown humans that any moron could identify at a glance as being in fact fully human. I can see where you perhaps have a bit of hostility toward all those Iraqi children who blew up the Twin Towers. 

But still. If you're going to insist on calling civilians “collateral damage” and calling zygotes “babies”, you'll have to forgive me for thinking you are just touch insane. And maybe with a side of murderously vicious. I mean, you murder people just because you don't understand their language or religion, and you think they look funny. 

So your moral purity cuts ZERO ice with me. When I want lessons on morality, I'll pay someone who knows something about it. You are NOT on the shortlist of candidates. So you can just take your Morality Police credentials and stick ‘em somewhere suitable, but you are NOT hired.

Nevertheless, you are perfectly welcome to have the vapors every time you think about a precious zygote. But I draw the line at your requirement that I validate every crazy, superstitious, or just plain stupid idea inside your head. I really don't care where that idea came from. I don't care how many of you share it. 

I know lots of people who listen to crazy conspiracy theorists on YouTube all day long, and think that lizards have taken over the world and enslaved us, or that crop circles contain some secret mathematical equation that will produce free energy if we can just send enough money to the guy who is only weeks away from saving the entire planet, but a little short on funds. It never occurs to them that Mr. Genius there ought to be able to make a living with that gigantic brain, I guess. But whatever.

There are tons of people out there who honestly believe in a lot of stuff that I think is just ludicrous and I put them in the same category as your entire congregation. I am allowed to think that, and you are allowed to be offended. But you are NOT allowed to force me to practice your religion and play “my God is better than your God” like that has ANY bearing on anything. You are welcome to keep your opinion about zygotic pre-humans being fundamentally *more* valuable than their ambulatory, oxygen-breathing, opposable-thumb owning, *actual* human incubators, but you are NOT welcome to force everyone else to live their lives in accordance with your favorite fairy tale.

You all remind me of the patient who couldn't get along with her co-workers because she thought that she was being harassed by invisible flying insects that were formed out of her co-workers’ evil thoughts. She couldn't make them stop having all those evil thoughts. And she just suffered because of their commitment to their badness. And I want to tell you that the psychiatrist never once bothered to even TRY to challenge that idea. Because futility. 

He just medicated the snot out of her, and signed off on her disability form. The poor Woman didn't have a friend or relative left who was still on speaking terms with her. Because she was miserable. And crazy. And she thought that was someone else’s fault. Cautionary tale, bitches.

Writer's Bio
DancesWithDevils is an underground, undercover, completely incognito feminist, humorist, airy fairy, and kickass ninja mom.  You can follow her on Twitter @DisastrousFlirt or her blog at  

But she's hardly ever around, because that's how it is with airy fairies.  On the plus side, you won't get a lot of spam notices in your email.  There's that.  
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